What Your Beer Brand Says About Your Personality . . . . .

Budweiser:
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Because you’re an honest hard working American, who wants an honest hard-working American beer.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Have you ever tried another beer? Budweiser isn’t better than some things that leak out of trauma patients.

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Coors Light
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your want a beer that tastes like a mountain. This beer also regularly claims to be “cold” tasting.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Of course it does. What kind of idiot likes to drink warm beer? Your beer is cold. You’ve got science on your side.

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Heineken
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer is so exotic, it comes from Europe. You don’t know where in Europe specifically, but it’s definitely not from around here.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Not likely. Heineken isn’t much different than every other lager on the market. And it’s everywhere - these days, a Heineken is a little less exotic than the McRib.

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Tequiza
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer has the refreshing taste of tequila and salt. Your beer is itself already pretty wasted, but is getting a second wind.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Oh good gravy, no. But this is probably the only beer in the world that tastes better when drunk in the shower.

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Guinness
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer comes from pretty far away, and is the drink of choice for many of the top professional alcoholics.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
There’s better stouts out there, but this is a solid all round choice, and apparently a mandatory one if you aspire to be an Irish novelist.

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Corona
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer tastes refreshing when drunk in the bright sunshine.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Almost everything taste refreshing when drunk in the sunshine, and many of those things actually taste like beer as well. Consequently, Corona is undeniably a better beer than milk, but not much else.

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Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer was brewed by serious west coast beer drinkers, who probably have serious west coast beards. Bearded men are generally tiresome to spend much time around, but when they develop an interest in something, they tend to do it pretty well.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Pretty good chance, but you’ll look like a dick if you bring it up, and may get mocked for your elitism and the snobbish way you wear that cravat.

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Pabst Blue Ribbon
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer is dirt-cheap, and is the favored drink of hardened Midwestern alcoholics, and young men who think hardened Midwestern alcoholism is “hilarious.”
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
No, but you weren’t buying it for the taste, were you?

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Cantillon Blåbær Lambik
Reason your beer is better than that asshole’s:
Your beer has papers. Your beer has a pedigree. Your beer has a healthy coat, strong teeth and spectacular hindquarters. Your beer will stud for a nominal fee.
Is my beer really better than that asshole’s?
Sure, but it’s not something you can drink twenty of while sitting in a lawn chair half submerged in a children’s wading pool, is it?

(Cracked)