Honey Baked Hams changes its slogan to “Dude, we should get a ham. Like a whole ham. Totally.”
Little Debbie will be voted first female President of the United States - The first time a president has ever been elected for their propensity for appeasing the masses with her affordable, yet delicious baked snack cakes.
People will start eating Dominoes pizza again - That’s right. People will forget about how terribly atrocious the food at Dominoe’s Pizza is because of their own overwhelming urge of not wanting to leave their domicile to procure sustenance. That’s right, people will start eating the worst food in the history of the world simply because they don’t want to leave their house . It’ll be like anti-Darwinism for food, except their will be more Noid than your probably comfortable with.
Youtube searches for “cute” and “nut shot” will cripple the internet - Sneezing Panda video will jump to over 150 million views and earn him a post on President Debbie’s cabinet as Secretary of Eating Bamboo and Maulings. Humans will giggle, as bears lie in wait for their eventual coup d’etat.
The music industry will stay as is - Yep. Not much new here. They’ll keep using drugs and you’ll keep buying their records. As the great Bill Hicks once said, “If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us then do me a favor. Go home tonight and take all of your records,tapes and all your CD’s and burn them…”
The voices in your Rice Krispies will tell you to go kill your neighbor’s dog - Wait. Sorry. That’s from my article “If PCP was legalized tomorrow.”
Workers will be slightly more productive when they stop asking each other what they ddi after work last night - Because it’ll either be too depressing to hear or the person will have forgotten all together or they’ll make up a story about unicorns or smoking with a dinosaur in their basement.
Hostess will overtake oil and gold as one of the world‘s most precious commodities - After acquiring the rights to Funyuns and Taco Bell in several very messy hostile takeovers, Hostess Snack Cakes will becomes a powerhouse (Bermunda Triangle of healthy living) on Wall Street. Things will continue to go well for the company until a small incident with Ronald McDonald incites the Gordita Wars of 2015.
The plots to Scooby Doo will start to make sense - Ruh-roh, this program will turn into the new CSI. People will star watching and saying things like “Oh it is totally the old miner in a Nixon Mask.” or “I knew that was Phyllis Diller in that bear suit.” And Scrappy Doo will take the place of David Caruso as the least believable character on primetime television.
Phish will die of exhaustion while touring.
The Onion headlines will start looking as follows:
“95% of people say they don’t know what they did with TV remote, dude.”
“It’s totally not safe to smoke with that dinosaur you have locked in your basement.”
“NASA Report: We‘re higher than all you mother f#*^ers!”
“McDonald’s Dollar Menu voted ‘Time: Person of the Year.’”
The people in Wal-Mart parking lots holding their keys up in the air trying to set their alarms off so they can find their car will quadruple - This will be hilarious. The game of baseball will take a backseat to the new summer past time of setting up lawn chairs in shopping center parking lots and watching stoners try and find their automobiles. An intricate scoring system will be implemented, which will inevitably lead to the first ever movie to reality show transition when “Dude, Where’s My Car” becomes Fox’s # 1 reality show.
We will find out that the entire NBA was already smoking weed–all of them - Even George Karl…
Trix rabbit finally given Trix cereal - He makes so much blood money from the wildy popular breakfast cereal that he can afford whatever he wants now. He can have endless supplies of Trix and people don’t even blink and eye. He could eat fistfuls of Trix while bare-knuckle boxing Tony the Tiger in a kiddie pool filled with Trix, and people wouldn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t though, because he prefers that cereal with Oreos in it.
We will find out that the ARMY has been bracing marijuana legalization for the past 20 years - Come on. warfare has gone almost completely technological at this point in history. The days of hand-to-hand combat and being at peak physical condition are slowly fading as the military becomes more dependent on computers and electronics (Only 2 years away from being able to order a tactical nuclear strike from your iPhone!) We all know weed smokers love to play video games; it’s what the ARMY has banked on for the past 20 years. You think it’s an accident “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare” is the best-selling game of all-time? What about the popularity of the futuristic military game “Halo?” Don’t think they’ve been waiting for this moment in time? Wait till they change their slogan to, “The Army: Dude, it’s just like X-Box now.”
Life‘s biggest question of, ‘Why are we here?’ will be replaced life’s newest biggest question of ‘If it’s not made of cheesecake and it’s not a factory full of Malaysian children manufacturing cheesecake…how can it be a Cheesecake Factory?’
People will have to take out second mortgages on their house to buy more lighters that they keep losing - The country will finally become enlightened on the greatest business model ever conceived: The Bic Corporation only manufactures shit that you can lose.
“Is it just me…” – Dude it’s totally not just you. I totally noticed that too.
Road rage goes down by 90% - People who would regularly freak out at traffic jams and traffic lights are suddenly a little less concerned with getting to work a little late and a little more concerned with the bass levels in their Accord while “Magic Carpet Ride” is on the radio.
Jared from Subway becomes fat again.
(Guyism)
